Tonight, I sit here at my computer, trying to figure out how to let all of this out.
A babe, a babe still in swaddling clothing, that is I, however, consciously aware of my wisdom and knowledge.
In this life, as Stephanie, I feel I have lived at least 3 lives. Each one with tremendous lessons, each different in their own turn, yet threaded together. This last year, signifies the beginning of number four, finding my purpose, finding my true self. I have been reflective of my life: family, friends, decisions, mistakes, and the full spectrum. I have owned my part, and set about to not making the same mistakes, forgiving myself. I have looked deep inside to find compassion, forgiveness, courage, hope, and most of all, love. My love for myself so in turn, I am able to love. There is no difference in giving and receiving love. I am blessed, blessed, and blessed again for every morning that I wake to love. What we leave in this world is not what we possess in the material world, but the essence of our souls and hearts.
In the past I have stood in my own way, out of fear. My fear has been a fear of success, which is based in not believing in myself. I choose not to settle. I am precious and beyond price, I believe in myself, just as I believe in others. I have gifts and one of those gifts is seeing in others what they don’t see or they try to hide, their beautiful souls. The irony is that has been me. At one time, I called myself a fantastic actress and perhaps missed a calling, because I didn’t ever show my true self, feelings, I learned to stuff them away and be what I was expected to be. However, this is no longer the case, I just am. I am free to love, live, laugh, learn and all those wonderful verbs. We all are when we choose to let fear go. Fear is nothing but a prison, and I have walked out of my cell for the last time and I am not turning back.
Recently, I have come to know some very wise folks of an older generation. They tell me I am still just a baby; at 35, I have felt so old in many respects. I am now realizing, what the hell do I know! I am happy to be a babe, looking at the world in wonderment and curiosity, walking my journey with a new set of “eyes”, now I am armed with a little bit of wisdom and knowledge.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
I studied and learned this poem in 11th grade Speech class at the age of 16. It has stuck with me for almost 20 years. I have made my choice, take the one less traveled by, I am sure it makes all the difference.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
I studied and learned this poem in 11th grade Speech class at the age of 16. It has stuck with me for almost 20 years. I have made my choice, take the one less traveled by, I am sure it makes all the difference.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Purpose
"The Aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again since it is life."
- William Faulkner
- William Faulkner
Sunday, December 30, 2007
What a year!
In late December, all humans, as a collective whole, reflect on the last year, and give hope and rejuvenation to the promise of the new year. In order to fully embrace and work toward where we are going, who we strive to be; we must first understand where we have been, who we have been.
In years past, this was not something I did. I would wake New Year's Day... thinking, 'great, another year down, another one coming.' I was so deep in my pit of hell, I couldn't see beyond the next week, or month, much less have hope for anything. I would go through each day, go to bed, get up and do it all over again. I had been on auto-pilot for so very long. I guess, there is something to be said for repetition and monotony. Really, not what I want from life... anymore. It wasn't one defining moment that made me wake up, but rather a series of things, people in my life. One day, I decided, I have value, I am beautiful and that was that. From then on, another series of events, people, etc. have lead me to right now, this very moment.
There are many in number whom have made a difference, but a few I would like to point out and say 'thank you'. To my mom, Sandy, for loving me through the worst times, the best times, and kicking me when I need it. To Georgia, my sister and one of my best friends, for being my confidante, on our respective journeys together. To Tobias, my soulmate, for loving me and letting me go, challenging my very soul, most instrumental in my realization of who I truly am and where I am going. To Emma, my daughter, for so long the very reason I woke up to a new day, you are my hope and inspiration. To my dad, Steve, I know you are smiling, I have become, and growing into the soul, the woman, you wanted me to be, and probably more than you ever dreamed. To my brother, Bruce, you are precious, supportive, loving, and honest, I look forward to travelling the world with you. I could sit here for hours, writing about each person in my life. To everyone, you have made such a difference, I love you and cherish you.
This year, I learned that it is wonderful, so wonderful to let someone love you. I wasn't afraid of what they would do once inside my soul and heart, but what they would see inside of me. There was so much that I didn't want to see inside myself still. Scars, just make us better, giving us character, strength, courage, love and grace. I have been challenged, oh so many times, this last year. I rose to those challenges, and still do. When the two most important souls in your life, leave it, in a matter of one week, it's hard to take. But I soon realized, in order to make me... the best me and find who I am... I couldn't be worried about them and their well-being on a daily basis. I had to trust. It's been 10 years since I only took care of myself... took some time to get my feet back in the water again. While I am on my journey, the two of them are on their seperate journeys too. We will find our way back, and be better for it, and have better relationships.
My dreams and hopes for 2008 and beyond are many. I have learned to trust my instincts. They are telling me that I am leaving Norman soon, and I am going 'home.' I close my eyes at night, and I can feel it, smell it, see it... it's calling me, and reassuring me, I am there soon.
I am sending love to all, and wishing you the best year ever... go out there... and make it happen.
Love, Steph
In years past, this was not something I did. I would wake New Year's Day... thinking, 'great, another year down, another one coming.' I was so deep in my pit of hell, I couldn't see beyond the next week, or month, much less have hope for anything. I would go through each day, go to bed, get up and do it all over again. I had been on auto-pilot for so very long. I guess, there is something to be said for repetition and monotony. Really, not what I want from life... anymore. It wasn't one defining moment that made me wake up, but rather a series of things, people in my life. One day, I decided, I have value, I am beautiful and that was that. From then on, another series of events, people, etc. have lead me to right now, this very moment.
There are many in number whom have made a difference, but a few I would like to point out and say 'thank you'. To my mom, Sandy, for loving me through the worst times, the best times, and kicking me when I need it. To Georgia, my sister and one of my best friends, for being my confidante, on our respective journeys together. To Tobias, my soulmate, for loving me and letting me go, challenging my very soul, most instrumental in my realization of who I truly am and where I am going. To Emma, my daughter, for so long the very reason I woke up to a new day, you are my hope and inspiration. To my dad, Steve, I know you are smiling, I have become, and growing into the soul, the woman, you wanted me to be, and probably more than you ever dreamed. To my brother, Bruce, you are precious, supportive, loving, and honest, I look forward to travelling the world with you. I could sit here for hours, writing about each person in my life. To everyone, you have made such a difference, I love you and cherish you.
This year, I learned that it is wonderful, so wonderful to let someone love you. I wasn't afraid of what they would do once inside my soul and heart, but what they would see inside of me. There was so much that I didn't want to see inside myself still. Scars, just make us better, giving us character, strength, courage, love and grace. I have been challenged, oh so many times, this last year. I rose to those challenges, and still do. When the two most important souls in your life, leave it, in a matter of one week, it's hard to take. But I soon realized, in order to make me... the best me and find who I am... I couldn't be worried about them and their well-being on a daily basis. I had to trust. It's been 10 years since I only took care of myself... took some time to get my feet back in the water again. While I am on my journey, the two of them are on their seperate journeys too. We will find our way back, and be better for it, and have better relationships.
My dreams and hopes for 2008 and beyond are many. I have learned to trust my instincts. They are telling me that I am leaving Norman soon, and I am going 'home.' I close my eyes at night, and I can feel it, smell it, see it... it's calling me, and reassuring me, I am there soon.
I am sending love to all, and wishing you the best year ever... go out there... and make it happen.
Love, Steph
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A Poem
I had written this poem, March 19, 2006 and sent it to my mom.
A dream for every child...
To love openly, receive love graciously
Understand how precious and priceless
Unconditionally
A dream for every child...
To be free to be themselves
To feel every moment,
Pushing boundaries
A dream for every child...
To know no fear, to be safe
To trust, no missed opporturnities
To create from their heart and soul
Making a difference
A dream for every child...
Comes late, It is here
I Love
I Trust
I Create
I am free...
A dream for every child...
To love openly, receive love graciously
Understand how precious and priceless
Unconditionally
A dream for every child...
To be free to be themselves
To feel every moment,
Pushing boundaries
A dream for every child...
To know no fear, to be safe
To trust, no missed opporturnities
To create from their heart and soul
Making a difference
A dream for every child...
Comes late, It is here
I Love
I Trust
I Create
I am free...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
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