What a year!

In late December, all humans, as a collective whole, reflect on the last year, and give hope and rejuvenation to the promise of the new year. In order to fully embrace and work toward where we are going, who we strive to be; we must first understand where we have been, who we have been.

In years past, this was not something I did. I would wake New Year's Day... thinking, 'great, another year down, another one coming.' I was so deep in my pit of hell, I couldn't see beyond the next week, or month, much less have hope for anything. I would go through each day, go to bed, get up and do it all over again. I had been on auto-pilot for so very long. I guess, there is something to be said for repetition and monotony. Really, not what I want from life... anymore. It wasn't one defining moment that made me wake up, but rather a series of things, people in my life. One day, I decided, I have value, I am beautiful and that was that. From then on, another series of events, people, etc. have lead me to right now, this very moment.

There are many in number whom have made a difference, but a few I would like to point out and say 'thank you'. To my mom, Sandy, for loving me through the worst times, the best times, and kicking me when I need it. To Georgia, my sister and one of my best friends, for being my confidante, on our respective journeys together. To Tobias, my soulmate, for loving me and letting me go, challenging my very soul, most instrumental in my realization of who I truly am and where I am going. To Emma, my daughter, for so long the very reason I woke up to a new day, you are my hope and inspiration. To my dad, Steve, I know you are smiling, I have become, and growing into the soul, the woman, you wanted me to be, and probably more than you ever dreamed. To my brother, Bruce, you are precious, supportive, loving, and honest, I look forward to travelling the world with you. I could sit here for hours, writing about each person in my life. To everyone, you have made such a difference, I love you and cherish you.

This year, I learned that it is wonderful, so wonderful to let someone love you. I wasn't afraid of what they would do once inside my soul and heart, but what they would see inside of me. There was so much that I didn't want to see inside myself still. Scars, just make us better, giving us character, strength, courage, love and grace. I have been challenged, oh so many times, this last year. I rose to those challenges, and still do. When the two most important souls in your life, leave it, in a matter of one week, it's hard to take. But I soon realized, in order to make me... the best me and find who I am... I couldn't be worried about them and their well-being on a daily basis. I had to trust. It's been 10 years since I only took care of myself... took some time to get my feet back in the water again. While I am on my journey, the two of them are on their seperate journeys too. We will find our way back, and be better for it, and have better relationships.

My dreams and hopes for 2008 and beyond are many. I have learned to trust my instincts. They are telling me that I am leaving Norman soon, and I am going 'home.' I close my eyes at night, and I can feel it, smell it, see it... it's calling me, and reassuring me, I am there soon.

I am sending love to all, and wishing you the best year ever... go out there... and make it happen.

Love, Steph

Where?

Yesterday, I saw you...
In your eyes and soul
Today, I can't find you...
Where did you go?

A Poem

I had written this poem, March 19, 2006 and sent it to my mom.

A dream for every child...
To love openly, receive love graciously
Understand how precious and priceless
Unconditionally

A dream for every child...
To be free to be themselves
To feel every moment,
Pushing boundaries

A dream for every child...
To know no fear, to be safe
To trust, no missed opporturnities
To create from their heart and soul
Making a difference

A dream for every child...
Comes late, It is here

I Love
I Trust
I Create
I am free...

We wake to a new day... everyday...

Dream Dare Create Become

Remember who you want to be...

My thought for the day...

"I don't know what I am going to do with my life, I just know it is great!"

- Amazing Henah

John's words...

Last night, I was hanging out with a couple of friends... nothing spectacular... just staying warm in this ice storm. John made a comment... that resonated.... throughout all of me... and I have been trying to understand why... he was playing the game Hellgate/London...

"I remember the last time I saw you... you were burning in hell, and I was leaving."

Huh.... a penny for your thoughts?....

A Lazy Monday

Well, today was quite nice. This last week, I have been sedated on pain killers. After my procedure, the first few days, I was eating them like candy and napping all the time. Today, I didn't take any, there was no need, but having two naps was needed. I have cleaned the house a bit. I am preparing my house for my direct needs at the moment, as well as, ready to load it all into storage the moment I am ready to spread my wings and fly, far far away.
Also, here is a reality check, it is only 22 days until Christmas. Why does it always seem like it sneaks up on us. We know for a whole year it is coming... haha. My plans include: a day full of movies, wine, and a nice dinner. A nice, quiet Christmas day.
I will be here tomorrow and with something much more to say. Tune in, same Bat time, same Bat channel...

What a damn day...

I am writing tonight because I had made a commitment to myself, that I would write at least one blog everyday in the month of December. I am tired, exhausted, and in some respects, at my wits end after my long, long day at work. I am very ready to run from there, SCREAMING. AAAGGGHHHH!

Good night, sweet dreams... tomorrow is a brand new day.

Just thoughts....

I just needed to release and share.



On November 20th, I had a fantastic day, by far one of the best days of my life. I came home late that night to the news that my Aunt Sandy, 46, had been killed in a car accident that day. She and her boyfriend were traveling out-of-town to spend Thanksgiving with some friends, and just like that.... she's gone. I didn't realize then, this was just the beginning. On Thanksgiving day, I drove 5 hours, one-way, to see my brother and spend it with him. I had not been to visit him in 18 months, we had so much to catch up on and share, my intention was to stay overnight and spend Friday morning with him as well. Well, my car was not cooperating, and it was in my best interest to drive 5 hours home that very night. I was exhausted and emotional, I never feel like it is enough time with him. For reasons, unknown to me at the time, I was supposed to be home on Friday. Friday morning, my cousin Rhi, only 30, called to let me know that she has been diagnosed with Cervical cancer, Stage 2B. Her treatment is very aggressive and she begins radiation this Monday. I know, and I expressed this to her as well, she is going to survive, and live, love and learn. By no means will it be easy, Rhi has more love and grace inside her and for her. Being a single mother of four wonderful children, she has fears and worries, but she also has a support system, and we are all there with her and for her. How much I wish that I could fly to Detroit and hug her and hold her.

That afternoon, I received a call from my Aunt Sandy's oldest son, Zane. I had not seen or spoken to him since I left Mississippi ( never looked back), when he was 10. He was looking through his mom's address book and saw my information. He had been feeling like no one understood how he is feeling and what he is going through. He wanted to make sure someone had called me to let me know, but he also realized... I know all too well how he feels. I was 26 when I lost my dad, his Uncle Steve, and now he is 26, and realizing that he has a life to live without his mom. Zane, Robert, and Daniel are all very strong young men, they will be okay, and perhaps make better choices for themselves knowing that they want their mom to be proud and happy for them. Aunt Sandy was my sanity as a teenager. I loved going to her house on the weekends, spending it with my little cousins, but also, being the mom of three boys, it was nice to have someone to do the "girlie" things and to be honest, to show me how to take care of myself in her way. She could do most anything that a man could do and probably better. Hell, she was a truck driver for years. You know, I haven't ridden a horse since I left MS, that was our thing, riding horses all over the country side of East Jones county. I miss that, I miss her.

Again, my lesson and message to all of you, life is still short. I want to live, love, and learn with that full knowledge and live everyday to the fullest and best that I am able. Just in case, I don't get to express myself to you today or soon, I LOVE YOU.

Dia de los Muertos, A Celebration of Life

I would like to begin today, by telling a story...

When I was 9 years old, I went to live with my dad. He was a single dad and not very domesticated, putting it mildly. Potatoes and meat were it when it came to his culinary skills; so more often than not, dinner came in a brown paper bag... LOL. One of his favorite signature Steve Sloan dishes was SOS gravy and homemade mashed potatoes.... as a kid, I can tell you.... YUMMY! I was tall and skinny... and constantly eating... some probably wondered... exactly where was I putting all that food. One night, my dad made his dish... the rule in our house was once you had "cleaned" your plate you may go back for seconds on what you wanted... well, that night I was so hungry, and asked for seconds. I had mounded a huge mountain of potatoes on my plate and then smothered it in the gravy and sat back down at the table. My dad laughed his ass off and told me I would never finish what I had put on my plate. Suffice it to say... I did. From that day forward, my dad gave me the name "Hoover", hoover-matic vacuum cleaner. At 9, I hated that name, especially when he said in front of others... I kept it only for a couple of years... and then, only when he was reliving the memory, would he mention Hoover again.... back then, I had a high metabolism, as does my daughter... and I smile and tell her... eat it all now, because when you hit 18-19 years old.... those hips and butt will come out... and then you have to watch how much you eat.... haha....

A couple of years ago I was introduced to the concept of Dia de los Muertos... Day of the Dead. Now, I know this sounds morbid, but it's not. I came home and did some research to understand this celebration. It is a celebration of life centered around celebrating the lives of your ancestors and loved ones... remembering them as well as remembering ourselves. It is meant to be a joyous occasion. Emma and I usually celebrate with a dinner honoring and celebrating our family, particularly my dad, Papa Steve. Only once, did I ever make SOS the way my dad did in June of 1999. I was proud of myself, only to have my mom call me the next morning to tell me that my dad had passed. I have tried since, just can't quite get it. I made some last night with a big glass of milk... and smiled and remembered. Definitely cannot eat it like Hoover did back then... LOL. Tonight, is the traditional second night. However, I am working late, so tomorrow night, I am making Swedish meatballs for the first time in honor and celebration of my maternal family. I have been to Sverige and I love the cuisine. I only hope that I will do well and it's edible. (smiling)

One thing that I have learned over the last few years from this tradition. Why wait until those you love are gone to celebrate them? I don't live near my family, so occasions such as birthdays, etc., I am not close enough to celebrate with them, but we will have dinner and celebrate them, or if someone I love has been on my mind lately... I do something to celebrate them and their life, and that I am blessed to have them.... here and now. Perhaps, I should be more vocal and expressive... this is something I usually do in private... and really, that is okay too. Next weekend is a friend's birthday... now, I am going to dinner and a concert... it is something I want to do... love the band, but also, it is something we would be doing together if he were here. So, I am going to celebrate him, his life, and that we are blessed to have each other, friends, family... all of it... and that I am absolutely blessed to be myself...
so, CELEBRATE! Life is short, make it the best....

35

WOO-HOO!!!! I am 35, in three days. I am blown away... happy, excited, and thrilled...
Not once, in my life, did I ever allow myself to believe that I am here... right now... that I would celebrate me, birthday or not. But the birthday's help... hehe. I remember I had issues with turning 30 when it came around, and thinking; "jeez, it's all down hill from here." I was very wrong in that assessment. The last few years have been a journey in finding out who I am, especially the last year and a half. Understanding why I had become the person I was.... how it hurts me to hang on to it.... and how to let it go.... learn, forgive, and move on.... forgiving yourself is probably the biggest thing. I have made many, many mistakes in my life. I am not defined by my mistakes... but how I handled them, what I learned, and did I apply it the next time. I wouldn't change anything.... because I wouldn't be the beautiful soul that I see, that I am. Scars show courage and strength, grace and love. I am here on this Earth, to share my story, to share my love, and know that every day is a blessing, to not take it for granted, and follow my heart. I am the caterpillar to the butterfly. I am breaking out of my cocoon and I am ready to fly.

I found these in the last week, thought it worthy to share...

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. -Carl Jung

Our attitude towards life determines life's attitude towards us. -Earl Nightingale


Please, tell me your thoughts???

Life changes....

The last month has been one hell of a ride. So much, all at once, changes, so many changes.... and I have just tried to go with the flow.... in some of it.... not with a lot of grace.
Any time that you move... even just next door... it is a clearing of things, and a cleansing of your soul... at first, I had such a hard time... I wasn't quite ready to address some of my issues, material-wise, I had so much crap... not that it was crap, just not useful to me... but I didn't take the time to rid myself of it.... and it's ironic, I finally went through everything, and still the things I brought to the new apartment, I look at it... and really.... still so much, that I don't need... and don't need to carry. In the same week that we finally got moved, completely, I was pushed to the brink of my sanity... I am not proud of those moments.... and emotionally, I was on a ride I did not ask for or expect. A few months ago, Emma's dad and I agreed to let her be with him for a year, give them a chance to get to know each other, and her family with him. Due to the transitions in his own life, we could not make that transition then, well, suffice it to say, Emma was not satisfied with that answer... last week, she went to live with her family. It's still the honeymoon period, but they all seem to be adjusting well, and getting along. Helps me to feel better about my decision, that I made the correct one. She has wanted a family for so long.... so so long, and I haven't been able to give her what she needs, I have felt like I failed her, I had to concede that her dad could and would give her what she needs and wants... a family with two parents and her sisters. Emotionally, the transitions are helping to clear out the garbage... all the things that no longer serve a purpose for me.... learn the lessons that I needed to or heal the pain.... let it go and move on.... I haven't settled myself in the new apartment, and without Emma seems so empty and quiet.... I don't like the quiet to be honest. It is a time now, for me to get to know myself, who I am, and what I truly desire, I know what I desire, it is just a matter of attaining those goals, healing and growing in my personal relationships, and learning how to take care of myself... it's strange... for 10 years, Emma was first... I have forgotten what it is like to be first... at least to myself....
Thank you to everyone, that has been on this ride with me, whether it be for the last 35 years, give or take, or just recently.... I cannot find the words to express just how much you all mean to me.... I love you....
Here's to a new journey, are you coming with me???

Memories and lessons learned

I think about my dad often. Due to the time of year, I have been thinking of him more... and a lot of lessons have come to the surface... and memories.
Beth and I had a favorite song that we liked to dance to when we were little. We would tell Daddy... "play Beethoven, play Beethoven", he would laugh and pull out a record, placing the needle on the record, we would soon hear Beethoven's 5th Symphony... and we would giggle and tell him, "no, not that one... the other one", and again, he would laugh and put on Electric Light Orchestra's version of "Rollover Beethoven". Beth and I would go crazy... and start dancing around the living room... being silly... little girls. Just exactly what we were supposed to be. I had a friend last year find that song for me... I hadn't really heard it since I was that little girl. Last night, Emma and I were listening to music on my Media Player. Emma, of course, was rocking out in the living room... being silly... modern version of Beth and me. Rollover Beethoven came on... and I closed my eyes... memories flooding over me... remembering how it felt to be in that living room all those years ago dancing with my little sister, staring up at the light and twirling around in circles until we were dizzy... falling down, laughing and getting up to do it again. They were moments of true joy, love, and happiness. I watched Emma with the broom stick as her guitar... and instinctively, she knew the exact moments to turn it into a microphone as she sang along with the song. She wanted to keep listening to it... we played it over and over again, just as Beth and I did... so long ago. I felt true joy, love, and happiness watching her, entertaining the two of us... I wonder, did my parents feel that as well, when they watched us... dancing and laughing? Honestly, it is one of the few memories that I can hold on to in my heart.
I lost what it felt like to just be a little girl... to just be me; not to have any worries or fears. My dad's perception of the world was certainly never rosy. It was brutal and honest, pulled no punches, to him it was harsh and unfeeling. I understand the reasons for this. He had a very hard life and did everything he could to survive. He taught me to be very independent... anything I needed in this life... I could do it myself... and should do it myself. He wanted me to rely on myself, no one else, not even him. Here's the thing: there is only a very small truth in this lesson. Yes, you should be able to take care of yourself on a day to day basis... but you also need people in your life... and you need to let them inside your soul. It is those that you love and love you that make the difference.
I have spent most of my life keeping everyone at bay... close, but not too close, safe. The times that I have needed help, well, my back was literally in the corner before I would ask for it... and then, it was still so hard, like I was less than for needing it. I hated that feeling. As I was taught, I don't need anything... from anyone. Well, let me just say... I do, just as much as I am needed. It is okay... that I have needs, actually, it is great. In order for me to love with all of my heart and soul, I need to be able to let that love in, just as much as I send it out. Dad, I apologize... I don't want to just survive... I want to live... love... learn, and if I fall flat on my face... you taught me how to get back up, and I have all the love in the world to help me. I am learning to listen to my instincts... listen to my heart... I know where I belong... and I am on my way... just a matter of time... another harsh lesson... we are not promised any one day... so I make the best of every one of them... and every chance I get... I send my love...

SIGNS

You know, life has a way of just driving a point home. Some of us, apparently, need to be beat over the head... or just open to all the possibilities. The last 6 or 7 months, I have been tested... and tested... and tested again. At first, I fought it with everything I had. As stubborn and hard-headed as I am, I am quite a force. Recently, with events in my life, I have taken the approach to go with it. I don't mean, not be active in my choices, but to not let it get to me. I make that choice... it is my choice. Perceptions begin within... it is the foundation of who we are... as souls, as humans. Perceptions can also change, grow, mature... and find a place to bloom. This concept applies to both positive and negative. As babies, we are born with more love and knowledge than we can possibly know what to do with. As life progresses we have great potential to lose it. I was taught to suck it up... and move on.... no crying... just do it... whatever is necessary. I was so little and didn't know any different. Because I was not taught to process, anything really, good or bad, I just sucked it up... and left it in my soul to grow. What grew inside of me was sadness, anger, frustration, rebellion, fear, untrusting, etc... I didn't like myself, much less love myself. Four years ago, I made the decision: It only affects me because I allow it. It was time to let it all go... and an even harder process because there was so much, but one I was definitely ready to conquer. I realized that for as strong as I am to be the negative, I am just as strong, if not stronger, for the positive. To allow Love to grow in my soul, that I am precious and beyond price. That I am worth and deserve all of my hopes and dreams. Every soul on this Earth is worth and deserves the very same thing, yet what we are born with, we lose, and somehow, if we are really lucky and blessed, we find it again. I have learned so much about forgiveness, compassion, trust, love, how we affect others in our daily lives. Lately, life has been quite a carousel ride. The downs, I am getting better at dealing with and with my approach, and the ups, I am learning to enjoy and live in the moment. Quite honestly, it's those moments that help us get through the lows.
I read my daily horoscope, daily number, and daily card on Tarot.com. Lately, it has just been right on to what is going on in my life or where it is I want it to go. Yesterday, my sister, Beth, and I were talking about the Chicken Soup for the Soul creators and how their compilations have made such a difference in so many lives. I had remembered a show about that on Montel. We hung up the phone, and I was leaving for the store when I walked out onto my porch, a little bluebird was out there... waiting for me... I stood maybe 6 inches from him expecting him to fly away, but instead he sat there looking up at me and chirping... and he would fluff out his wings and chirp some more... this lasted about 7 or 8 minutes... I wouldn't move until he flew away... the sign telling me to spread my wings and fly... Bluebirds of happiness... I smiled and wished him well as he flew away. This morning, I go to Tarot.com and my daily card is the Fool, innocence to wisdom, to let go of expectations and trust your instincts. I ended up being home today, spending it with my daughter, Emma, and guess what show is on Montel? It was the repeat of the show with Jack Canfield. So, apparently, I have been so scared... and I am being beat over the head... how many signs does one person need... haha... They all tell me.... to trust myself, those in my life... to love with all of my soul... and my dreams are coming... am I ready? I am sure I am...

All in time

Today, I have created a new outlet. I had a blog here once before as part of a composition class project. Needless to say, I have long since forgotten that password. Age has not been my friend... haha. It's funny that we live in a society that finds it easier to type than to write... there is so much inside of me... but the time to write and let it out just doesn't seem to be there. So, here I am...