What a year!

In late December, all humans, as a collective whole, reflect on the last year, and give hope and rejuvenation to the promise of the new year. In order to fully embrace and work toward where we are going, who we strive to be; we must first understand where we have been, who we have been.

In years past, this was not something I did. I would wake New Year's Day... thinking, 'great, another year down, another one coming.' I was so deep in my pit of hell, I couldn't see beyond the next week, or month, much less have hope for anything. I would go through each day, go to bed, get up and do it all over again. I had been on auto-pilot for so very long. I guess, there is something to be said for repetition and monotony. Really, not what I want from life... anymore. It wasn't one defining moment that made me wake up, but rather a series of things, people in my life. One day, I decided, I have value, I am beautiful and that was that. From then on, another series of events, people, etc. have lead me to right now, this very moment.

There are many in number whom have made a difference, but a few I would like to point out and say 'thank you'. To my mom, Sandy, for loving me through the worst times, the best times, and kicking me when I need it. To Georgia, my sister and one of my best friends, for being my confidante, on our respective journeys together. To Tobias, my soulmate, for loving me and letting me go, challenging my very soul, most instrumental in my realization of who I truly am and where I am going. To Emma, my daughter, for so long the very reason I woke up to a new day, you are my hope and inspiration. To my dad, Steve, I know you are smiling, I have become, and growing into the soul, the woman, you wanted me to be, and probably more than you ever dreamed. To my brother, Bruce, you are precious, supportive, loving, and honest, I look forward to travelling the world with you. I could sit here for hours, writing about each person in my life. To everyone, you have made such a difference, I love you and cherish you.

This year, I learned that it is wonderful, so wonderful to let someone love you. I wasn't afraid of what they would do once inside my soul and heart, but what they would see inside of me. There was so much that I didn't want to see inside myself still. Scars, just make us better, giving us character, strength, courage, love and grace. I have been challenged, oh so many times, this last year. I rose to those challenges, and still do. When the two most important souls in your life, leave it, in a matter of one week, it's hard to take. But I soon realized, in order to make me... the best me and find who I am... I couldn't be worried about them and their well-being on a daily basis. I had to trust. It's been 10 years since I only took care of myself... took some time to get my feet back in the water again. While I am on my journey, the two of them are on their seperate journeys too. We will find our way back, and be better for it, and have better relationships.

My dreams and hopes for 2008 and beyond are many. I have learned to trust my instincts. They are telling me that I am leaving Norman soon, and I am going 'home.' I close my eyes at night, and I can feel it, smell it, see it... it's calling me, and reassuring me, I am there soon.

I am sending love to all, and wishing you the best year ever... go out there... and make it happen.

Love, Steph

Where?

Yesterday, I saw you...
In your eyes and soul
Today, I can't find you...
Where did you go?

A Poem

I had written this poem, March 19, 2006 and sent it to my mom.

A dream for every child...
To love openly, receive love graciously
Understand how precious and priceless
Unconditionally

A dream for every child...
To be free to be themselves
To feel every moment,
Pushing boundaries

A dream for every child...
To know no fear, to be safe
To trust, no missed opporturnities
To create from their heart and soul
Making a difference

A dream for every child...
Comes late, It is here

I Love
I Trust
I Create
I am free...

We wake to a new day... everyday...

Dream Dare Create Become

Remember who you want to be...

My thought for the day...

"I don't know what I am going to do with my life, I just know it is great!"

- Amazing Henah

John's words...

Last night, I was hanging out with a couple of friends... nothing spectacular... just staying warm in this ice storm. John made a comment... that resonated.... throughout all of me... and I have been trying to understand why... he was playing the game Hellgate/London...

"I remember the last time I saw you... you were burning in hell, and I was leaving."

Huh.... a penny for your thoughts?....

A Lazy Monday

Well, today was quite nice. This last week, I have been sedated on pain killers. After my procedure, the first few days, I was eating them like candy and napping all the time. Today, I didn't take any, there was no need, but having two naps was needed. I have cleaned the house a bit. I am preparing my house for my direct needs at the moment, as well as, ready to load it all into storage the moment I am ready to spread my wings and fly, far far away.
Also, here is a reality check, it is only 22 days until Christmas. Why does it always seem like it sneaks up on us. We know for a whole year it is coming... haha. My plans include: a day full of movies, wine, and a nice dinner. A nice, quiet Christmas day.
I will be here tomorrow and with something much more to say. Tune in, same Bat time, same Bat channel...

What a damn day...

I am writing tonight because I had made a commitment to myself, that I would write at least one blog everyday in the month of December. I am tired, exhausted, and in some respects, at my wits end after my long, long day at work. I am very ready to run from there, SCREAMING. AAAGGGHHHH!

Good night, sweet dreams... tomorrow is a brand new day.

Just thoughts....

I just needed to release and share.



On November 20th, I had a fantastic day, by far one of the best days of my life. I came home late that night to the news that my Aunt Sandy, 46, had been killed in a car accident that day. She and her boyfriend were traveling out-of-town to spend Thanksgiving with some friends, and just like that.... she's gone. I didn't realize then, this was just the beginning. On Thanksgiving day, I drove 5 hours, one-way, to see my brother and spend it with him. I had not been to visit him in 18 months, we had so much to catch up on and share, my intention was to stay overnight and spend Friday morning with him as well. Well, my car was not cooperating, and it was in my best interest to drive 5 hours home that very night. I was exhausted and emotional, I never feel like it is enough time with him. For reasons, unknown to me at the time, I was supposed to be home on Friday. Friday morning, my cousin Rhi, only 30, called to let me know that she has been diagnosed with Cervical cancer, Stage 2B. Her treatment is very aggressive and she begins radiation this Monday. I know, and I expressed this to her as well, she is going to survive, and live, love and learn. By no means will it be easy, Rhi has more love and grace inside her and for her. Being a single mother of four wonderful children, she has fears and worries, but she also has a support system, and we are all there with her and for her. How much I wish that I could fly to Detroit and hug her and hold her.

That afternoon, I received a call from my Aunt Sandy's oldest son, Zane. I had not seen or spoken to him since I left Mississippi ( never looked back), when he was 10. He was looking through his mom's address book and saw my information. He had been feeling like no one understood how he is feeling and what he is going through. He wanted to make sure someone had called me to let me know, but he also realized... I know all too well how he feels. I was 26 when I lost my dad, his Uncle Steve, and now he is 26, and realizing that he has a life to live without his mom. Zane, Robert, and Daniel are all very strong young men, they will be okay, and perhaps make better choices for themselves knowing that they want their mom to be proud and happy for them. Aunt Sandy was my sanity as a teenager. I loved going to her house on the weekends, spending it with my little cousins, but also, being the mom of three boys, it was nice to have someone to do the "girlie" things and to be honest, to show me how to take care of myself in her way. She could do most anything that a man could do and probably better. Hell, she was a truck driver for years. You know, I haven't ridden a horse since I left MS, that was our thing, riding horses all over the country side of East Jones county. I miss that, I miss her.

Again, my lesson and message to all of you, life is still short. I want to live, love, and learn with that full knowledge and live everyday to the fullest and best that I am able. Just in case, I don't get to express myself to you today or soon, I LOVE YOU.